Tim Chase

Metric

I don't know why

Clementine

French Canadian Town

Standing

All my favorite writers

Contemplation

Describing the reality of being pulled apart without being put back together I label as stressed.  I was disgusted with the negative results from other people’s decisions and work I decided to sit outside lighting a fire deep in the woods.  The phrase going it alone left me as an outcast of the outcasts but it didn’t matter because I felt confident with my choice.  After gathering a good amount of tinder and lighting gathered leaves I grabbed a nearby log to sit on.  When the flames flickered to life at first there were short pops and fizzes until the heat took over the existing moisture in the wood. Accompanying the growing flames was the internal presence of manliness along with the reasons for my departure from the group.  I knew my work ethic and agreed with the way I do things. On that particular day I decided that I needed to be alone to regain a sense of focus.  Years prior I had some difficulty with confidence and personal identity.  I grew up the youngest in my family and then I was the smallest in a group.  While no one else afforded me special recognition it was decided that I need to value myself above others.  I picked up the philosophy that if I didn’t work to build up myself then I would always be on the bottom rung regardless of my social or monetary position in life.

An outsiders perspective at that moment I might have seemed aloof because I verbalized my thoughts as they came to the surface.  Self-talking out loud was a concept that I had read about some time ago as a form of therapy toward conflict resolution with one’s problems.  Along with me I brought a small cage with my pet chipmunk that I had rescued after it was attacked by a black cat.  I kept her for a little over a year and in that time she was my closest friend and grew to be plump and comfortable in her own little world.  There were many nights where she was nestled in her slumber in her cage beside my computer and desk light.  She had built up a small mound of almonds storing them in empty boxes of tea.  It was still warm well into the month of October and I decided that it was time that I released her back into the wild.  Nearby chirps of other chipmunks was heard along with the scatter of leaves the back and forth movement as they ran around and up trees.  I held her cupped in my palm and said my goodbyes before releasing her to which she ran quickly into the unseen distance.  Momentary sorrow faded though I really had grown attached to my familiar.  I focused on the flames took off my shoes and socks grinding my feet into the moist soft soil.  I began to get a feel for my surroundings and rubbed my hands along my jeans before balling my hands into fists resting them on opposite knees.
Solidity was something that I needed quiet time in nature with the warmth of fire gave me that.  I realized that not necessarily running off but doing things on my own wouldn’t gain me popularity with the others. 

Particularly on this occasion after releasing my chipmunk into the wilderness I had a moment of clarity.  Strength is a word that I cherish often it is subjective being confined to physical limits.  There is no doubting that I have found that taking care of my own physical health has strengthened most other areas as well.  The old biblical lesson that “your body is your temple” was something that I never forgot.  Some of the people that I disagree with avoid any form of physical labor while others like to domineer in possessing a superior skill or bully because their bigger.  I placed a handful of leaves into the fire causing temporary smoke then added a couple of sticks.  A few minutes later I put my hand in my pocket bringing out a bag of dried sage leaves.  There was a bottle of water beside a nearby tree along with an empty can of beans from one of my previous campfires. I grow herbs sage being one of the few that I use the dried leaves to make tea with.  Soon I had a hot can of sage tea and I had sat back down on the log.  There was a couple of chipmunk’s not that far from me and I wondered if one of them was my chipmunk that I had just released.  I questioned whether I should have let her go but seeing how happy the chipmunks seemed running in the woods along with the warm weather I was comfortable with my decision.  One of the things that I have come to terms with is that I am not the most skilled of all people.

Having the strength to admit one’s own limitation I consider a virtue.  What I have the ability to do I do it well and I always worked hard and I’m always eager to learn.  There have been many people that have been successful beyond that average persons imagination that have been semi skilled at one thing or another.  Creativity is one of god’s greatest gifts to humanity I’m revolted when there is a lack of that kind of energy.  Mental strength is a term defined to me once by a surgeon.  He gave me a parallel to compare exactly what he determined to be mental strength.  For the sake of tact I wont explain the kind of person that he said lacks that acquired discipline.  The surgeon said that it isn’t something that he was born with rather that it was a discipline that through much pain and hard worked effort he acquired a level that he was comfortable with.  He attributed his own form of mental strength as a reason for his successful surgical outcomes.  Admitting that there are times during surgical procedures when there will be high pressure situations that require mental strength to maintain control and a lack of that can lead to devastating results.  I recognize that we are only human and as humans we fail working on our shortfalls allows us to become stronger as individuals. Alone in the woods with a fire lit deep in thought I cast aside my personal dislikes that I had with that surgeon trying to focus on thoughts that gave me the strength to reign in my frayed sense of self. 
 

Sitting outside alone I was grateful for this particular day.  For some reason releasing my chipmunk into the wilderness sitting by a fire deep in thought I felt like I had accomplished something.  The only other thing that I could compare this day to was when I was young and would attend church.  Often I would sit beside a girl that I flirted with sang church songs listening to a sermon that left me feeling good about myself full of faith.  The difference was that I was by myself deep in the woods sitting by a fire drinking sage tea contemplating.  They were not so closely related however being that I was talking to myself I easily related how I felt.  Holding a stick I poked around the embers bringing the flames back to life then took a look around.  There was a lesson that I remember from a more experienced co-worker.  The advice was this, “When I want to get a measure of someone I take a good look into their eyes.”  Not being a novice I agreed with the exception that long eye to eye stare downs could be read many ways and also be intrusive. Insecurity often makes a person fear eye contact.  When I was young I had that problem and when I had issues with dependency I found that I didn’t want to make eye contact with others and more importantly myself.  A person that took effort to train me well when I was young and learning a trade told me that he could always tell how a person was by the way that they worked.  Being and outsider of the outsiders had its benefits.  The pains of rejection isn’t fun sometimes the scorn of others is unbearable.  A day like this one left me reinvigorated pulling back in the reigns of the mental horses that went separate ways.  After the tinder turned to ash I took that last sip of the sage tea put the empty water bottle inside of the can dropping it on the side of the tree where I left it.  I cleaned off my feet put my socks and shoes on picked up my former chipmunk’s cage then began to walk out of the deep of the wooded area.

Crabs In A Bucket

Beach bums thats what she called us as we walked along Long sands beach York Beach Maine.  I wore sandals and she wore flip-flops removing them while walking holding our foot wear in our hands.  Low tide brought a drastic change between water and beach area.  Draggers hadn’t combed the sand of debris brought in from the last high tide leaving sporadic clumps of seaweed.  We were walking looking for sand dollars.  “When I was young my grandfather used to bring me here and we would look for sand dollars they would be scattered around everywhere,” She told me. I continued looking lifting up seaweed searching around the wet clay sand. Walking ahead of me she found a sand dollar first picked it up and I found several immediately after.  They were decent sized and were like something that I would have bought at a souvenir shop. “These are small” she told me  “They look normal to me” I replied.  “No, I know what I’m talking about when my grandfather and I would come here the sand dollars would be huge and there would be lots of them.”  We walked further along the beach.  The clay was smooth with some water worn rocks and boulders popping through the surface of the uncovered area. 

On the sandy horizon small puddles shimmered with the reflection of the sun.  In the far distance there were the rock barriers and retaining walls that lead to large vacation homes and mansions.  I took a few steps in front of her and found a starfish on the ground.  I picked it up and it was limp but living.  Without telling her what I found I started to walk toward the water.  “Where are you going?”  I turned around showing her what I had found.  “I found a starfish it’s still living, I’m going to put it back into the water.” She looked at me skeptically, “Why don’t you keep it, we can dry it out and use it as a decoration.”  I shook my head, “No, we have several sand dollars I’ll call this my good deed for the day.”  She shook her head comically, “Your so stupid.  What does it matter if you keep it or put it back in the water?”  “It matters to this one.” I told her before walking into the water chest deep then released the starfish.  She stood in the distance waiting for me and when I reached her she had a smile on her face, “Your all wet.”  “I feel better about myself” I gave her a kiss on the lips proud of myself.  “I think that it will bring good luck back to us.” We walked further along the beach where she noticed two dried starfish side by side.  She picked them up and smiled like a giddy child.  “What did I just tell you?” I said to her.  She put the starfish in the back of her khaki short pockets reached for my hand and I led her to the edge of the water.  We stood were the tide was coming in with the water covering us past our ankles.  Slowly the sand erosion started to sink our feet in the sand. 

I looked to her smiling, “I used to do this when I was a kid.”  She leaned her head on my shoulder and we stood there for several minutes.  It was mid morning and the weather was warm and sunny.  The Maine waters were tolerably cold.  We arrived there to spend the Fourth of July week in the York beach and surrounding area.  When we walked to our car we placed our starfish and sand dollars in the console of the vehicle. “Where to now?”  “Union Bluff I want to have lobsters and steamers while I am here.”  She told me before grabbing my hand and giving me a kiss on the lips. 

Later that afternoon we were in our hotel apartment putting away the things that we had bought during the day along with a couple of bottles of wine for later that evening.  We were going to be meeting up with her aunt and uncle at a restaurant in Ogunquit for dinner.  “There’s supposed to be karaoke at the restaurant today.”  I said to her.  She shook her head in semi disgust, “You better not! You’ll make me throw up.”  “Is it because the last time?”  I said before laughing.  “I don’t like it because all you want to do is sing and then you were pointing at me and yelling “I’m looking at you beautiful blonde in the front row.  It was embarrassing.”  I laughed.  “Really?  I thought that was the best part.”  We relaxed for a while later changing making our way to Ogunquit roughly a half hour driving distance away.

 

Fishing During Summer

Fishing During Summer

“Don’t use the rusty hook.” The grandfather snapped to his 13 year old grandson, as he cast his line out with a jerk and lost his squid that he used for bait.  “If you look a little over to the side of the tackle, you’ll see the good ones. Bring one here to me and I’ll attach it for you.”  The young teen that his grandfather always called boy, quick in his youth spotted what his grandfather instructed him to see and promptly brought it to him.  They were fishing along the rocky shore of Beavertail park in Jamestown, Rhode Island. 

“Ok boy, here’s the trick with casting your line out far.  It’s not so much in the power of bringing the rod quickly over your shoulder as with having a quick flick of the wrist.”  “Ok pepere (pronounced pep-ay).”  “Remember when I showed you how to sharpen a knife against a steel?  At first you kept your arm still grinding the blade against the steel, and then I showed you how to soften your posture and just keep the motion with your wrist, not using your elbow. It made a sharp edge didn’t it?”  The boy nodded to affirm yes. “Well, it’s the same here just a bit different.  It’s kind of like swinging a baseball bat.  You use a quick twitch of the wrist at the end.”  The grandfather took a step back and watched his grandson cast the line into the water.  “Did you see that?  That’s what I’m talking about boy!”  “I do see pepere it is like swinging a baseball bat.”  “Ok let the line stay there a bit and reel it in slowly, if there’s fish around they’ll bite, just to don’t reel it in quickly, let the current take it.”  “Ok, I got it. Hey pep!” “Yes boy”  “Did you and dad come here when he was my age?”

“Sometimes!”  The old man slumped his shoulders downward. It was 4 years since the boy’s father passed and there wasn’t much talk about him at all.  “Your dad wasn’t really like how we are, we, well we are two of a kind.  Your dad was a different sort of person and he wasn’t worse off for it, he was just different.”  He quickly changed the subject. “You, You stick with me kid and I’ll put your name in lights.”  The old man was full of cliché’s and one liner’s that he would randomly say to his grandson.  “Yeah, mom always says that I’m a lot like you.”  There were a few minutes of silence as the old man rebated his line and cast it out again. 
“Hey boy, want a soda?” “Yeah, can I have a cola?”  “That’s all I have!  I’ll drink the diet and you drink the regular.”  A few minutes went by and the boy noticed a bite on his line.  “Pep, I think I got a fish.”  The fishing pole bent and the boy took a step back and strained to reel the line.  “Good boy!  Don’t reel it in if it’s too hard to reel boy!  It’s a strong line; the fish will tire and then reel it in.”  The grandfather was observing the direction of the line to try to see what his grandson had caught as well as the strength of the tug to gauge the size of the fish. 

Typically the old man would catch scup, smaller striped bass, tautog, blue fish net some crab and little else.  A year ago he had heart surgery, sold his boat and started casting off of the rocks.  He was happy with what he got, including the time to do it.  “Notice how the line is going against the current?  That means the fish is trying to swim into deeper water. Just hold the line and don’t budge.  If it’s too much let me know and I will reel it in for you.”  “No pepere, it’s mine I want to do it.”  The boy noticed the line starting change directions and go along with the current.  He started to reel in the line still struggling but gaining ground. The fish began to surface. “Well I’ll be, boy you got yourself a cod and a good size one too!  I’ve never caught one here!  Your good luck I’ll say.”  With that the young teen began to smile and reel in the line enthusiastically.  “Yup it’s a cod fish, and it could be more than 20 lbs. That’s the biggest fish that I’ve ever seen caught here from the rocks.”  The grandfather took over to pull the fish up out of the water.  The boy grabbed his camera and took a few pictures of his grandfather taking the fish out of the water from the drop of the rocks.  He noticed how the fish had sharp teeth and winced at the thought of getting his hand caught in its mouth. 

Nearby, 3 Asian fishermen were walking past them with fishing poles and tackle.  They were wearing black trash bags around their body with holes for their arms and head, and were also wearing round wicker hats.  It reminded the old man of his time serving in the Vietnam War.  For a long time he held a strong resentment for anything Asian, but as the years aged him he began to soften his stance slightly. 

“What you catch?  It big fish.” One of the fishermen said.  “Cod” the old man replied and the young teen smiled with glee trying to hold the fish that his grandfather just clubbed to death.  “Hey, do you want the head and tail?” The old man called over to the other fishermen as they were walking past. “Yeah sure.”  With that the old man pulled out a small cutting board and lopped off the fish head and tail put it in a plastic bag and handed it over.  The passing fishermen took the fish parts said thank you and continued along the way. 

“It’s a good thing I took a picture first pepere.  Why did you give them the head and tail?”  “I don’t know boy, seemed like something nice to do, besides they use weird things like that.”  “What can you do with a fish head and tail?” The boy curiously asked. “Beats me son, if I had a lot of them I’d have them ground up and use it as fertilizer.  They’ll probably put it in soup or use it for bait.” With a wink and smile the old man said,” but probably for food ha ha!”  “Your bad pepere.” “Yeah, but only a little.”  With a little bit more seriousness the old man continued.  “You know I might make a remark, but when It comes down to it, I’ll be there to the end.  When you get old and I pray that you never have to experience what I have, but if you remember me you will appreciate how I allow my best side to shine through the ugly.  Sometimes, good men make mistakes, but character is defined by what you do next.”  “Pep, that character part is from my John Madden football game.”  “Yeah I heard that when I was watching you play your video game, but it’s true. Never be afraid to learn something new.  I’m sure that I’ll even learn something new from you today.  Now, golden boy bait up your line and cast it out again.”  

The old man and the boy turned again to catch a glimpse of the somewhat distant fishermen.  “What are they doing up there on the cliff Pep? It looks dangerous.”  “It is, I’ve been there before.  I call it the Ho Chi Minh trail (smirks).”  “Oh, Whats a Ho Chi Minh trail?”  “It was something from Vietnam.  I was just making a joke boy! Where they are following is a muddy narrow path that leads to the other side of the rocks.”  As he pointed the other fishermen made their pass and began to proceed to the rocks on the other side.  “The water is deeper over there and no one else will bother them while they are fishing.” 

The boy then changed subjects feeling guilty.  “You know pep, I had a girlfriend this year and she’s half-asian, but she’s American.” Sensing the sensitivity of his grandson he decided to go along with it. “Oh yeah, is she pretty?”  “I think she was real pretty, I liked her a lot.” “Liked? What happened?”  “She moved to a different town because her parents opened a store and bought a house.”  “Good for them! What’s her name?”  “Edith!”  “Well, I’m sure that you two will meet again someday.  The mind forgets but the heart never does! I’m glad that you don’t have the same grudges that I have.  Anyway, cast your line out and show me it wasn’t just luck.”  They both recast their lines into the water. 

Some time passed by while the grandfather, son duo held the line with little bites and not much else.  They both drank their sodas and sat in silence.  A light sprinkle started to come down from the sky.  “Want to call it a day?”  The old man said as he nudged his grandson with his elbow.  “No, it’s nice outside and I want to catch another fish.”  “Seems good to me, I don’t mind the rain.”  “Me too but pep, maybe I shoulda brought a trash bag like those people did!”  With that the old man laughed “I wouldn’t go that far boy, but now that you think of it, they don’t seem so weird now do they?”  “That hat is weird, but the other part is like the ponchos that we wear at the baseball games.”  “Pretty much.”

The rain got heavier and then began to let up as the grandfather recast his line out in to the water, “So, how did you do this year in school? Your mom said that you joined a few clubs.”  “I did good! I mean I could have done better, but I guess I didn’t study enough.  I made honors one quarter but didn’t do so good in math the rest of the year.  I got A’s in social studies all year though.”  “Math, well if it’s one subject that I’d struggle with it would be math.  You’re a smart boy you can learn anything, it’ll just take work.  It was a long time ago but when I finally went to college, I studied math tables to help with learning faster.  I still have them.  They’re just multiplication, division and simple algebraic equations, but they’re good to know.  I’ll help you memorize them,  and then watch how easy it is to learn the rest.”  “It seems boring.”  “I’ll give you fifty dollars.”  “I’ll do it!”  The boy clasped both hands together in a grinding fashion. “There’s always incentive when money is involved.”  The grandfather then commented.

The boy noticed a bite on his line.“Hey Pepere, I got another one.”  “How the? What are you baiting with boy?”The grandfather said comically.  This time the boy followed the current of the line and slowly but surely reeled in the line.  The grandfather stroked his chin and let a hmm and hum slip from his lips.  Scratching his head, he said, “Fluke, you got a fluke!  How the hell did you catch a fluke in these parts?”  The boy smiled and shrugged his shoulders not thinking anything about the catch. 
“This time we keep the head and tail.”  The boy said with sarcasm.  The duo both eyed each other and laughed.  The grandfather took the vertical flat fish off of the line and placed it in his cooler full of ice.  “Keep on doing this and we’ll have no more room, we’ll be selling fish to the locals.”  The old man grabbed his fishing net and looked to his grandson.  “Hey, stay here cast out your line again.  I’m going to go down to the shore right over there.” Pointing to the shore line section 30 feet below the muddy trail the other fishermen traveled. “I usually net some green crabs there.  Wish me luck.”

The old man began his walk along the rocks following a semi steep decline toward the shore line.  It’s still high tide he said to himself.  Normally, he would search for crabs at low tide.  It’s a little more dangerous but it’s worth a try.  He reached the water and began his search for crabs.  He was in familiar ground with big rock cliffs on both sides and crab filled water and plant life in the middle.  During the low tide most of the area could be traveled without being in a strong current and also walk a good distance before having to swim.  Speaking to himself he said “Well they say that swimming is good for the blood pressure. Wait, I think that I see a few crabs around the sea weed in my normal spot.” Meanwhile, the boy kept fishing and some time had passed and finally he had another bite on his fishing line.  I sure am going to tease Pep the boy thought.  Though the boy was entering his teenage years, he always felt like a child when he was around his grandfather.  Pepere has to be the biggest person I know he thought.  He often bragged about his grandfather to his friends and teachers in school.  His focus came back to reeling in the fish.  Just like his grandfather told him earlier in the day he followed the line.This time the pull wasn’t as great as with the other two fish had.  He reeled in the line with ease.  It was a smaller fish with a big mouth and stripped along its sides.

Copying his grandfather he unhooked the fish and took the baton stick that was on the side of the cooler and smacked the fish on top of the head, killing it.  He then placed the fish inside of the cooler with the other two.  Happy as he’s ever been he decided to take a break from fishing and peer over down into the water.  It had been some time since his grandfather went looking for crabs.  The boy didn’t know how long it took or where to look.  He just knew the area that his grandfather was netting them.

It seemed odd to the boy because he couldn’t see his grandfather.  “Pep, Pepere” the boy started yelling with the hope of receiving a response.  He gave it for what seemed a minute for an answer.  He felt a twinge of panic and instinctively started to look for a way to go down the steep incline toward the water.Time slowed for what felt like eternity as he looked for a path to find his way down.  His breathing began to quicken and his head started to lighten.  He felt his heart pound through his chest though he had only the feeling to go on and no response to fill the ominous silence of the air. 

The boy finally reached the shoreline and it was only a narrow stretch of beach surface.  He frantically looked both sides and couldn’t see anything.  There was so much seaweed in the water and plant like things growing and attached to everything and flowing back and forth.  All the while he was yelling for his grandfather as he was crying in panic.  The panoramic heaviness of the situation surrounded him like a dizzying carousel.  Then he saw something that seemed like a head toward one of the sides in the gorge.
There was one thing that the boy was good at and it was swimming.  He cast all fears aside and prayed to god that it wasn’t his grandfather and that everything was ok.  He prayed with all of his might, he prayed and made promises about things like not swearing at his mother when she left the room or eating parts of potato chips and putting them back in the bag.  He swam quickly into the strong currents and muscled his way to the floating body that was his grandfather. 

Fighting tears and fear he grabbed his grandfather’s lifeless body and wrapped one of his arms around his grandfather’s neck.  He started to swim toward shore.  As he tried he noticed that his grandfather had a foot caught in the sea weed and plant life, and had the fish net tangled in one of his arms with a bunch of crabs caught in the net. Quickly the boy went down and untangled his grandfather’s foot, resurfaced and wrapped an arm around his grandfather’s neck, then finally began to gain ground toward the shoreline. 
Dear lord, please make my pepere not be dead, please god, please.  Buoyed by the salty sea water he in what would have been record time for him reached the shoreline and dragged his grandfather to the sand.  On instinct he grabbed the fishnet full of crabs and threw it as far as he could.  Remembering his lessons from health class, he quickly started C.P.R in which he was certified for just 2 months ago. 

He started chest compressions and water was flowing from his grandfather’s lungs and out of his mouth.  1-2-3-4-5 and then started two large air filled mouth to mouth resuscitations.  1-2-3-4-5 in chest compressions and two more air filled resuscitations.  There was no response.  Surprisingly, the boy found the strength to hold back the tears and keep his composure.  The reality started to sink in and he remembered the feeling.  Though much younger, he remembered the familiar feeling that he had when his father passed away from cancer 4 years ago. 
“No, he’s not dead, I won’t let pepere die!,” The boy growled.  He began chest compressions again.  Meanwhile, the boy was praying to god the whole time.  Out of frustration he screamed and slammed both fist against his grandfather’s chest.  The time span from finding his grandfather till this point was within a 5 minute stretch but living in real time felt like hours.As he was about to start compressions again and he heard a single gurgle.  His grandfather’s lifeless body spontaneously started to come back to life starting with a choke. 

The quick thinking boy leveraged his grandfather with all of his strength to prop him up on his side.  Just then a little bit of water came out of his mouth, and was followed by gasps for air. During this time the Asian fishermen that they had encountered earlier in the day were hovering above on the cliff looking down.  “Everything ok, you need help?”  The old man began to feel the blood rush back to his lifeless body and summoned the strength to wave his hand across saying “NO!”  “Ok” one of them said and the fishermen continued toward the parking area with a look of concern on their faces. 

The boy began to calm down and stopped crying, but thanking god in prayer.  After a couple of minutes the old man taking many breaths sat up and said simply, “Where’s my crabs?”  The boy laughed.  The boy quickly ran over to where he threw the fish net that tangled with his toss and had trapped in the crabs.  ”Here they are pepere.”  “Well, at least I got something for all of my troubles.  I knew I wasn’t leaving empty handed.  I’ll be damned if I let a crab do me in.  The high rip tide and sea plant tangles on the other hand; that’s something different.  You know you’re my hero boy!  You saved my life.”
 

“Are you ok pepere?”  “I think so, I feel a little bit weak but I think I’m ok.”  “What happened?”  “I went in my usual spots looking for crab, and the tide was higher than normal, but I found them.  I was doing good in netting them and was almost done.  Then a big wave came in and the rip tide dragged me out a bit and I smacked my head on a rock.  I tried to pop back up by my foot caught some seaweed and one of my arms got tangled in the fish net.  I vaguely remember feeling something grab my neck and I think it was you, but I was out of it by then.  Let me tell you something!”  He placed a hand on his grandsons shoulder shaking him slightly.  “There was someone watching over me because another minute out there I wouldn’t have made it. You’re my hero boy!” “Hey pep!” The boy said while smiling. The grandfather looked over to his grandson with pride, “I’m listening!” “I caught another fish.”

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