Frustration

With a paint scraper in hand he chipped off the barnacles that had collected on the bottom his son in laws fishing vessel “The Malta Lee.”  Jan was grumpy!  “The lazy pipsqueak asshole” he muttered to himself.  Well into his retirement years content with spending most of his days on his property with his wife Jan felt the need to remain active.  He was a stubborn sort that believed in hard work and the old fashioned way of things. Several years prior he had a massive heart attack needing open-heart surgery.  After the slow recovery he changed his diet and began to go for walks with his wife.  His daughter Faith and son in law Craig owned a business in a neighboring town part of his need to stay active was so that he didn’t dwell on being sentimental.  He hated getting old seeing the friends that he grew up with barely resembling their younger selves many of them dying along the way.  Sadly it had become the norm to see his relatives only at family funerals.  Jan and wife Joanna lived in Waipahu Hawaii not that far off from the coastline, for those visiting it would seem like a paradise.  On his property there was a barn that used to house farm animals.  When Jan retired he sold all of his animals leaving his barn empty.  Later it was used as a warehouse for the candles and wine that Craig and Faith sold at their retail location Dionysus Refined. 

This day Jan planned on fishing alone on his son in laws boat.  After throwing the paint scraper and the towel that he used to wipe down the outside of the boat he swore to himself that he would never clean up his son in law’s mess again.  Joanna stepped outside to get a look at what her husband was doing.  To her he looked like a child throwing things about while kicking the dirt.  She walked up to the side of him, “What’s got you so angry.”  Jan grabbed the handkerchiefs from his pocket wiping his mouth from the spittle that remained from his last tirade.  “Craig left a goddamned mess of his boat and its leading me to take a shit.”  Joanna held back a smile, “Really?  It didn’t seem to look that bad to me.”  Jan swiped his handkerchiefs in his hand and shook his head, “I would expect that kind of reaction from you Joanna.  You always take their side.” Jan walked over to the remnants of the barnacles that he had scrapped off of the boat, “This is what I’m talking about.”  Joanna walked away from him toward a chicken coop that housed their chickens.  “Where are you going?  That’s just like you to walk away when I’m trying to have a conversation.”  Joanna unlatched the door to the coop and in unison the chickens followed her to where Jan was standing.  The chickens began to eat the barnacles that were on the ground.  She looked to Jan seemingly amused, “What is it that your angry about?” Jan muttered to himself.  “You could have just left it there it’s their boat not yours.”  It wasn’t in Jan’s nature to see a mess and leave it there instead of staying mad he kissed his wife goodbye and left for his fishing adventure.
Jan arrived at the docs he dropped the boat into the water before walking to the bait shop to buy the chum and bait that he needed to fish.  Along the way he picked up a coffee where he bumped into an old high school girlfriend.  It was something that shocked him because he never planned on seeing her again or reliving the long ago heartache.  He was old and so was she and he never forgot how she broke his heart.  The feeling was instant and he grimaced with facing one of his demons.  Wearing a hat he put the brim of it low trying to hide his eyes and go un noticed.  He ordered his coffee along with a sandwich and he left the shop happy that he avoided her.

Jan baited the crab cages preparing them for his fishing trip.  He felt the presence of someone watching him to turn around and see that it was her.  From the looks of it she kept herself in healthy condition.  She was pretty not looking as old as he would expect, though he did noticed that she died her black with dark mascara around her eyes along with black lipstick.  She noticed Jan after he ordered a cup of coffee figuring to follow him to have a conversation.  She held her hands above her head like she was a mermaid.  They made eye contact shaking his head no he tried to power walk out of the boat and down the fishing dock.  Walking behind him was his old high school girlfriend following him while he walked away from son in laws boat.  She wore shorts and tee shirt.  He did his best to keep to himself walking back to his boat after a short walk avoiding her until he stepped on to his boat and put his bait down.  Surprisingly he kept cool, “Gonoroah” he spoke acknowledging her presence.

She held her arms up above her head like she was a mermaid again.  “The siren has come to take me out to sea.”  He grabbed a rope and tied a tight knot around one of the crab cages.“I thought that I would never see you again.”  She told him.  He kept his head down, “What do you want from me I’m an old married man and from the looks of it you’re a old woman that’s trying to be younger than who she is.”  After saying those words she held her hands to her cheeks opening up her mouth.  “My mother always told me to watch out for sea witches.”  “Jan you can’t still be angry what happened between us?”  He remained quiet finishing up his preparation for his fishing trip.  He put the key in the engine starting up the boat.  “If you don’t mind getting off of the boat I’m ready to leave.”  “It’s a nice boat that you own.”  “Its not mine its my son is laws boat.”  Gonoroah took a seat resting her feet on an upturned bucket.  “How about I join you for your fishing expedition?”  “How about not!  I’m a married man and look at me do I look like I’m an attractive eligible bachelor?”  Gonoroah untucked her arms holding them out wide, “What would lead you to believe that I’m looking to attract you to anything?  Or did you forget who dumped who.”  After saying those words Jan grabbed a clam rake and tossed it across the boat, “Now you listen to me, I don’t know what your up to but I’m about to go fishing so get off of my boat.”  “It’s not your boat.”  That’s when Jan grabbed her by the elbow.  She shrugged away his firm grasp “Your taking me fishing with you.”  Gonoroah took a good look at Jan, “Its not like were doing anything wrong.”  “That’s not what my wife would say.”  Gonoroah placed her left hand under her breast smiling to Jan, “besides how would she find out that you went fishing with an old friend unless you told her yourself.”  Jan wasn’t convinced and he didn’t want her on his boat.  “If you don’t get off of my boat so help me god I’ll treat you like a man.”  She laughed, “Good then treat me like a man and lets go fishing.”
Jan felt guilt overwhelm him and he was anxious because he was contently married to his wife.  Seeing his high school girlfriend Gonoroah he felt hurt and bitterness and her presence caused him confusion.  “It’s not a good idea for you to be on my boat I want to have a day of piece and quiet all to myself.”  The motor to the boat was on and Jan went below deck to grab his rubber gloves to ready himself when he needed to pull up the crab cages out of the water.  Gonoroah was quick on her feet she cranked up the anchor to the boat removed the line to the moor and set the boat in motion. 

Below deck Jan had trouble finding his gloves.  He was hoping that when he walked upstairs to the deck that Gonoroah would be gone.  Jan was miserable to start off his day and she was making it worse.  Slightly rocked he held on when he felt the boat go into motion.  Quickly getting his ground he ran upstairs as fast as he could to see that the boat was quickly leaving the docks with Gonoroah behind the wheel.  “What are you doing?” Jan shouted seeing Gonorroah smile and laugh.  Though he was determined to spend the day alone he was smitten with her persistence. He felt the stab of guilt along with the pain of seeing his long lost high school girlfriend. Through her dark make up and dyed hair he saw though that she was still attractive.  She was thin with long black dyed hair along with dark eyes that had this eyeliner around them.  From the look of her figure seeing the outline of her breast it looked like she aged well.  He shook his head “You dont like to listen do you?”  “As a matter of fact I like to think that I can make my own decisions thank you?”  “Thank me for what?  Getting taken hostage?”  “That’s right I remember now Jan the good little church boy that cried his eyes out when I dumped him because he was too religious.”  It was a sore spot for Jan something that he relieved countless times.  He grabbed a bucket and threw it overboard and punched the side of the boat with his fist.  Gonoroah saw that he was serious. 

Rubbing his chaffed fists he kept his distance from Gonoroah while gritting his teeth.  “The miserable bitch” Jan muttered loud enough for Gonoroah to hear his words.  She didn’t fear Jan as a matter of fact she thought that he was about as mad at her as she was at him. About a half of an hour had passed she was quiet sitting in her seat timing herself. For her age she was in good shape she decided to loop the bottom of her tee shirt through the neck of her shirt to make a makeshift-bathing top.  Jan looked the other way, “Get over it Jan!”  Shortly after he began to drop the crab cages with buoy line attached then turned off the engine and dropped anchor.  Through this time he was quiet not feeling the need to acknowledge the presence of Gonoroah.  On the other side of the boat she was paying attention to what Jan was doing she could tell that he was avoiding her.  She wasn’t a naïve woman having been married and divorced twice and widowed once she lived a hardened life having strained relations with her children deciding to stay in Hawaii while her last divorce took her two children to California more than thirty years ago.  Gonoroah walked along the side of Jan as he readied the fishing poles.  She noticed the beginning of the long scar that ran down the middle of Jan’s chest.  He stopped to look at her as he noticed that she was looking at his scar.  Jan was wearing a tropic Hawaiian button up short sleeve shirt.  He had unfastened the top two buttons not paying attention to himself until he noticed her.  He froze and they both made eye contact before she reached forward running her hand along the scar.  Jan shook his head no, “Gonoroah!” “It must have been painful” she said retracting her hand before turning around.  There was tension to their words and movements and they were silent for several moments before Jan handed her a fishing pole.  “I nearly lost my life.” 

Several minutes later they had their lines in the water before Jan handed Gonoroah a glass and a bottle of beer.  “This makes it better though I am more of a wine drinker.”  “Your in luck then!” Jan got up walked below deck opening the wine cabinet that was there and brought up a bottle of Corvina Veronese with a shiny golden string attached to around the top with a little white card.  Jan handed it over to Gonoroah without looking at the card along with a cork screw.  “My son in law owns a wine company.”  She took the bottle reading the index card that gave a brief description of the wine along with “Raven-Black” in quotations.  She liked the description.  After reading the card she uncorked the bottle and poured herself a glass of wine.  They sat side by side for several moments holding their fishing poles with lines in the water.  “Did you live your life the way that you wanted to?” Gonoroah asked.  Jan kept his eyes focused on his fishing line, “Mostly”  “I never meant to…” Gonoroah started to say until Jan put up a hand.  “Don’t apologize for something that happened between us fifty years ago.”  It was quiet for several more minutes.  Both of them reeled in their lines and recast them back into the water.  Gonoroah refilled her glass with wine while Jan grabbed himself another beer.  “How many kids did you have?”  Jan asked surprising even himself that the question came to his lips.  “Two a boy and a girl both of which I rarely speak with. You?”  “Three kids two of them live in Honolulu and my youngest lives not that far from us.  The one that lives close to us owns the company who’s wine you are drinking.”  “You should be proud of yourself as a father.”  He shook his head, “I’m content with myself I’ve lived the kind of life that I don’t regret.”  Gonoroah pulled a pack of cigarettes from her purse.  Jan placed a hand over hers making eye contact with her, “Don’t!”  “I don’t smoke a lot mostly when my nerves tell me to.”  “Don’t kill yourself before your meant to go.”  Gonoroah made a bitter face, “Easy for you to say your happily married with kids that seem to be successful.”  There was a bite on Gonoroah’s line and happened with an abrupt jerk with her line shifting around rapidly.  She was lucky that the pole was secured in its holder because the tug was strong.  It took nearly thirty minutes along with the help from Jan before the fish was reeled in.  “Wahoo” Jan exclaimed “I’m excited too.”  He looked to her, “That’s the kind of fish that you caught.  Some people call it the Ono.”  She looked oddly to Jan.  After unhooking the fish and knocking it on top of the head with a club he weighed it before placing it in a large built in tub taking several bags of ice out of the freezer below deck covering the fish.  “Thirty seven pounds”“That’s a big fish” she replied “Not really for the kind of fish that it is”  Jan washed off his hands and sat back down.  “That was exciting” Gonoroah said her eyes were full of life and her blood was pumping from the excitement.  He had to admit to himself that it felt good to have someone else to fish with.

He opened up a pack of chocolate cracker rods that had grabbed before sitting down.  “Want one?”  “Sure why not?” Gonoroah had recast her line into the water then placed it in its holder.  They were quiet for several moments munching on their snacks.  “What did you do for a career?” Jan asked her breaking the silence.  “What haven’t I done is the question.  I did some modeling when I was young and was pretty.”  Jan nodded his head, “That doesn’t surprise me.  Were you successful?”  “I met a lot of people including my first husband he was a photographer.”  “Seems like you lived the good life.”  “It was for a while but that was the sixties and women had their role and men did what they wanted.”  “That’s not the way that it worked in my life.  I never did what I wanted.  I was raised to have responsibility.”  “Well my first husband wasn’t a church boy!  Anyway he cheated one me with countless women and died of a drug overdose.”  Gonoroah waved her hands angry with saying those last words then reached for a cigarette lighting it before Jan could respond.  “Can’t get away from them can’t you?”  “Get away from what?” She said looking sharply to Jan. He eased his posture, “I was going to say smoking cigarettes but I can see that bad memories were the them that you can’t get away from.”  “Why torture yourself over things that you can’t change right?”  Jan didn’t like having this kind of conversation but he felt the need to offer his opinion.  “ Why abuse yourself because others found it easy to abuse you?”  She fidgeted her fingers.  “After my first husband died I started to drink a lot and that shot my modeling career to hell.  I was a single mother stuck at home and both of my parents had died before we graduated high school.”  “I remember, it must have been hard to cope with.”  “I went on welfare for a few years then I decided to go to nursing school.”  “What happened with that?”  Both of them reeled in their lines rebating their hooks them throwing them back in the water. 

After casting their poles back into the water Jan decided to talk about himself noticing that she lit another cigarette.  “After high school I found a job in the shipping industry and worked a career there.”  “That simple.”  “I like it simple!  I have a barn at home that I leave empty my daughter asks me why, I say because I like that way things are nice when they are empty.”  Gonoroah laughed, “Sometimes it’s the commotion and complications that give life the most meaning.”  “Well, I’ve been married for over forty years and I have three grown children.”  After those words Jan got up to check on the crab cages.  Perhaps it was the day that it was unfortunately there weren’t crabs in the cages.  He realized that Gonoroah was a different person that he was and he didn't feel remorse for that difference.  When he sat back down Gonoroah was reeling in her line.  “I’m impressed.”  She reeled in the fish herself Jan grabbed the line as the fish reached the surface.  “Blue-Spotted Grouper not my favorite fish.”  “I'll take your word for it, I'm here for the fishing but I'll let you keep what I catch..”  “I'll tell you what I’ll unhook the fish and let you put it back in the water.”  Jan grabbed a pair of work gloves.  “Here put these on grab the fish and toss it into the water.”  Gonoroah put on the gloves grabbed the flailing fish and tossed it as hard as she could.  “That was fun” she said taking off the gloves and handing them back to Jan.  

Momentarily they were quietly sitting with their lines cast into the water.  Gonoroah was the first to speak, “I did get my nursing license.”  Gonoroah confided to Jan in return he shook his head, “You should be proud of yourself.”  “I’ll tell you a secret about Nurses.” Jan looked skeptically to Gonoroah her eyes were full of fire a kind of life that he hadn’t seen in her up until this point.  “Nurses are a bunch of bitches!”  Gonoroah’s secret made Jan laugh and it seemed to break the tension between them.  “Why would you say a thing like that?”  “Don’t get me wrong us nurses save lives, wipe asses, take hell, follow orders, and at times get overworked like horses in a race but are they the biggest bunch of bitches that ever existed on god’s green earth.”  “You must be talking about yourself.”  “Sometimes! I do have to admit to myself though I’m a nurse educator and worked in a supervisory role for a long time I tend to have the need to be hands on and I have heard just about every excuse in the book.  I thought that when I was a model that people couldn’t possibly be more temperamental.”  Jan crossed his arms disagreeing with her, “The nurses that treated me were like godsends from heaven.”  Gonoroah wagged a finger at Jan, “Don’t get me wrong we love our patients for the most part and there are some that make you laugh till you cry and others cry without laughter.”  “It seems like you like you career choice”  They were quiet again after those last words Gonoroah lit another cigarette and tears streamed down her cheeks.  Jan was never the most comfortable around emotions.  He clammed up like a schoolboy on his first day of school not sure how to respond. 

He began by clearing his throat, “I’ll tell you this much. I worked in the shipping industry for a long time and there were a lot of people that came and went some worked there nearly as long as I did.  There were a few that I spent more time around then I did my wife and while we worked we were like brothers.  Many of our wives had kids at the same time.  I hate to admit it but on my last day when I walked to my car tears were streaming down my face and it was partly because of the work but mostly because I knew that I would never see those few that became like a second family to me ever again.”  Gonoroah related to Jan’s words of comfort, “It’s the work that keeps me going because god knows that I don’t have the personal things in my life to fill up my spare time.”  Jan felt compassion sitting on the side of his old high school girlfriend.  He placed a hand over hers knowing that for him that was a bold move.  She wiped her cheeks then tapped the top of Jans hand, “thanks for caring.”  With that he retracted his hand and started to laugh.  Gonoroah took out the band that held her hair in a ponytail waving her hand through her hair.  Jan looked the other way feeling guilty looking at another woman.  He admitted to himself that he had a soft spot for her.  She stood in front of him, “What do you think about going for a swim?”  “What?”  He responded turning his head standing up “I’ll be honest with you Gonoroah I don’t think that it’s a good idea for you to be swimming in the water and it’s not that I don’t think that you can’t swim.”  She reached for his hand, “I read about what happened.”  “What are you talking!”  She cut him off quickly, “Your daughter drowned.”  Jan sat back down it was something that he tried hard not to think of.  Grace was Faith’s twin sister she drowned after slipping on a rock falling into the water.  It was a part of the beach that he brought his daughters to that was full of rocks and dangerous tides.  He felt comfortable with keeping his daughters safe and one day when he allowed his daughters to walk ahead of him Grace leading the way she slipped on a piece of sea weed falling into the water where there was a rapid eddy.  They never recovered her body.  He became quiet looking the other way.  “I think that we should head back.  Be thankful that you caught a couple of good fish.”  Gonoroah didn’t like that response she stood in front of Jan looking down to him.  She was quite authoritative placing a finger under his chin pointing lifting it until they made eye contact.  “It’s not easy losing someone that you love especially a child, the hardest part is coming to terms with yourself without taking all the blame.  Unfortunately for me death is a part of a nurse’s life.  Death of patients isn’t the death of a child but there were some that broke me down like I never thought possible.”  She refocused herself speaking strongly, “My point is that you shouldn’t want to end our day fishing because I brought up something that hurts.  In case you haven’t noticed that is what we have been doing most of our time while not catching fish.”  Jan noticed that Gonoroah had caught another one, “You’re the one catching the fish.”Gonoroah decided to not reel in the fish taking off her top smiling at Jan then jumping in the water.He shook his head in astonished disbelief because she held up well.

She swam in the water while Jan reeled in the line.  The water was temperate and the sun shining down as if god approved of the time that they were spending fishing together.  Gonoroah circled the boat then grabbed the rail on the side of the boat and climbed back in.  Jan was sitting after unhooking the fish holding up a towel looking the other way. She grabbed the towel standing in front of Jan blocking his view so that he couldn’t look away.  He tried not to but he smiled.  “Not bad for an old lady?”  “I aint saying a word.”  She grabbed her top and put it back on before sitting on the side of him.  Gonoroah refilled her glass with wine, “I needed a swim you know the water is refreshing.”  “I believe you but I prefer just to fish and stay dry.”  “I had them worked on last year.”  “What are you talking about”  “Them!”  She looked down.  “I didn’t have implants just tightened and lifted.” “Are you expecting a reaction from me?  I’m an old married man what do you want?”  She looked seriously at him, “Nothing?”  “What do you mean nothing?”  “Forget it I’m guessing that you never learned how to give compliments.”  He took a sip of beer then shrugged his shoulders remaining quiet.  She was quiet as well.  It remained that way for some time.  In some ways she was relieved not that she would have regretted herself but she felt relieved that Jan had enough respect to hold his own self standards. “You know most men would have wanted to do something.”  Gonoroah said somewhat defensively.  He looked to her raising an eyebrow, “Wanting and acting on the want are two different things.”  His hand shook a little and she noticed it.  Responding quickly she reached forward and held his hand.  Surprisingly he didn’t pull back they were quiet.  “I wasn’t at first but I am glad for this day.” Jan said surprising her. 

A couple of hours later they arrived back at the docs.  Gonoroah helped Jan secure the boat to the moor.  It was fishing season with the plan to keep the Boat in the water throughout the summer.  She put her hair back into a ponytail lifting her arms up again like she was a mermaid.  Jan smiled, “A siren trying to take me out to sea.”  “It’s a good thing that you didn’t go into the water.”  She walked up to him, “So this is it?”  He looked seriously into her eyes they were welling up.  They both recognized the seriousness of their meeting.  “We will probably never see each other again.”  Gonoroah said “I know.” Jan replied she grabbed his arm reached in and gave him a kiss on the lips.  He didn’t pull back.  “Take care of yourself will you?  He said to her.  “You do the same!” She replied and they parted ways.  The drive home for Jan was tougher than he thought it was a day fishing with someone that he hadn’t seen in well over forty years.  She had broken his heart when he was young and full of life and he felt part of that pain become new.  It was the first time that he had seen another woman naked or kiss someone else besides his wife in almost the same amount of time.  He was void of guilt but not of sadness with another final goodbye.  Shortly after he arrived home he unpacked the fish that he had caught surprising Joanna because it was a lot of fish.  After putting away the fish Joanna went inside to make dinner Jan sat on the porch drank a beer thankful that he had a good day.