Emotional Wounds

We sat in the café drinking our coffee.  I ate a croissant while she took small bites out of her bagel.  “We need to talk” She started off the conversation saying.  I placed my hand over her hand softly looking into her almond shaped eyes, “I’m here to listen.”  Had this conversation taken place years prior when we were married a knife would have been on the end pointing in my direction.  Luckily years of reclusive ness dulled the emotion but not the memory.  It was the first time that we had spoken since our separation; she still had her beauty and magnetic breathtaking presence.  Unspoken sensitivity has always been something that reigned me in with such force that I never wanted to escape from its air tight wrapping.  Her curly brown with blonde highlighted hair had grown long passing her shoulders with a few locks covering the edges of her eyes.  She grabbed on tightly to my hand, which surprised me because when we separated it was not something that I wanted nor could I prevent. “What is it?” I asked

When we were married I thought that we would have several kids grow old under the sun and live a long life together.  Had I been in control and not subject to my own personal demons or her subjected to the will of others things might have turned out different.  Since our separation I had given up the bad habits that plagued my life and learned to live in solitude.  Moistness formed teardrops and trickled down her plump cheeks. I was caught in the moment otherwise I might have questioned the situation because when we were separated she was cold like ice emotionless almost as if she was someone completely different.  She licked her lips and wiped one of her eyes,

“I’m getting a divorce.”  I let go of her hand nonchalantly and took a sip of my coffee absorbing the moment.  I wasn’t sure what she was expecting from me.  Within days of our separation I drove by the house and saw her hand in hand with Sue a man with a girls name who was an old high school friend that apparently lost his moral compass.  When I drove by I held a mason jar with a firefly inside opened the car door placed it on the lawn yelled in frustration and drove off.  My face reddened with the memory I became firm.  I always told her that marriage often means that there will be times when your swinging in the air fighting both each other and one self.  My one word reaction came out as “Oh”.  I wasn’t sure if she was expecting something more out of me and I was always open.  During our marriage I never put up walls and was always willing to do what it took to make good things happen.  I realize that to some it made me appear as sniveling and weak but I thought that my malleability made me durable and able to conquer any obstacle.  She flicked one of her curly locks from her eyes and started to talk in a tremble.

“Sue is seeing someone else and told me that he wants a divorce.”  I knew the feeling and I felt anger and hurt deep within.  I understood that having patience left me open to these kind of things for some reason I was always a good punching bag and took the hard hits and remained strong like a brick house.  “It’s been nearly a decade since we last spoke”  I said to her.  She smiled and a twinkle in her eyes appeared.  “A lot has changed” She replied.

I kept my distance after our separation moved to a neighboring town and never returned or passed by our old house.  “Why contact me?”  She took a deep breath, “You always knew the right things to say.”  She looked at me full of emotion and smiled.  I tried to fight myself and remain unexpressive but it was involuntary I smiled because whatever it is she had it.  I call it hooked because I was caught by her emotional lure.  “Tell me about your life” I said to her.  “Sue and I started a marketing company eight years ago.” I took a sip of my coffee, “Was your company successful?”  “Actually yes it has been very successful so much so that we bought a small building downtown and hired a small staff.”  I felt bitter because when we were married no matter how hard I tried she would never go along on joint ventures and was adamant that we keep everything individual. “What’s going to happen to your business?”  Her demeanor changed slightly, “That is still yet to be decided.”  I didn’t want to intrude with my own opinion took a bite out of my croissant consuming without words.  Being there in person it was surreal and not what I expected and somehow I felt like I was gypped out of whatever it is that I should have had the right to have revenge for.  “That’s not all.”  She said and opened up her purse then took out a picture of what appeared to be her elementary school aged son.  Considering that she never liked children and fought tooth and nail with me on not wanting them I bit the inner portion of my cheek and sat silently.  He looked like his father and it caused my stomach to turn. I had enough and felt that I showed enough patience more than what should have been afforded.  In the decade since we divorced I changed in ways that made me more solid unafraid and physically hardened.

“What are you expecting from me?” I barked sharply unable to hide my hurt.  “I thought that you would be happy to know that I have done well for myself.”  I looked into her eyes and though I always felt what was natural for me I had become someone that I believe to be greater.  “I never questioned that you would do well for yourself” I replied.  After taking a sip of my coffee I tapped the top of her hand.  “You look as beautiful as I remember but there were things between us that didn’t end well and I gave and gave until I had nothing to give and that proved to be not good enough.  I hope that you can understand why I can’t finish this conversation.” 
With that I stood and walked to the exit of the café while she remained seated in silence.  Somber was the best word to describe the mood void of thought as I drove out of the parking lot. I looked through the window of the café where she remained seated making eye contact from afar following the movements of my car.

Several weeks had passed and I continued with a bit of a chip on my shoulder from our meeting.  Life continued and being a man if that’s not meant to be a damning term I manned up and continued with my ordinary routine.  Being near wintertime I walked to the back of my property and started to saw a few trees to split and prepare for winter.  I had several trees cut into sections when I noticed a figure walking toward my direction in the distance.  I shut off the saw and recognized her as she came closer.  She walked to where I was working and I was full of wood chips and sweat.  A decade had passed since our separation but there lingered that familiarity that urged me to soften. 

There were reasons for me to remain rigid and so I did not talk.  She smiled, “I never pictured you to be a lumberjack.”  “The wood is used for winter heat.”  I was wearing a t-shirt with my flannel covering a tree trunk.  “Your noticeably bigger.”  “I needed a good habit to replace my bad ones.”  I picked up the biggest tree section that I could carry on one shoulder and I’m guessing that it was well over two hundred pounds and nearly six feet in length.  First I bear hugged it lifted it on top of another log then squatted low tilted it on a shoulder and squatted it up and began to walk.  It might have been rude and showing off but I did have work to do.  She walked behind watching me power walk and struggle towards the end before I dropped the log where I intended the pile to be. 

“Is there a reason why you’re here and how did you find out where I live?”  “I looked you up online and didn’t think that you would be angry and didn’t expect you to walk out on me like that.”  Having a bad temper was never an attribute that I carried with me, being in work mode I was hyped up from the physical labor.  “Does it look like I’m in the mood to have a long winded conversation?”  Then I started walking back into the woods grabbed another log and walked to where I placed the other one.  She was standing still wearing a lightly colored flowery dress and she noticed that I quickly checked her out.  She was always quick on her feet squinted her eyes in what I was guessing trying to figure me out because she always could. 

“Your not angry with me are you?”  I dropped the log and walked back for another one.  Sure enough she was standing there in the same spot where I dropped the log. “I can do this all day” She said. “Me too” I replied and as I turned my back I smiled.  It was something that I shouldn’t do but I couldn’t resist.  Shortly after I returned with another log and placed it with the others I was winded needing a rest.  I walked to the house without giving her notice and she followed me in.  “Home” she said looking around my small cottage.  “I don’t have the luxury of owning a business.”  I washed my face and hands walked to my bedroom and changed my shirt.  I grabbed a couple of glasses and poured them full of chardonnay then sat at the table. 

She took a seat, “You drink wine?”  “I’m not the heavy beer drinker that you remember.  I drink a glass with dinner or to relax I never drink to get drunk anymore.  Why are you here?”  “I didn’t want our conversation to end like it did.”  She took a sip from her glass and so did I.  After breathing deeply and thinking of my words carefully I looked to her and began, “In the past when we were married I was like a puppy always happy to see you and follow you where ever you went.  I remember how frustrated you would get at times and how thankful you were that someone cared about you like I did.  At the end of all of that I wasn’t enough and the material you wanted more of the material and when I was empty handed you left me for a boy named Sue and I was the pauper left to whore the streets alone.” 

Listening to me speak to her directly she took those comments in stride looking at me firmly in what I was guessing to be thinking of a response.  “You’ve changed”  She said.  “I had no choice.”  “I used to always tell you that I wish that you were more of a man and now here you are.”  She was glowing but I wasn’t, “Time doesn’t heal all wounds I’ve kept myself busy to become stronger in other areas so that I don’t hurt and I’m not as ‘weak’ like I was thought to be before.”  After talking I drank my glass of wine then poured myself another needing to relax. 
She took a sip of her wine, “I’ve had my world turned upside down and I can understand how you feel.”  In some way I’m sure that she could understand that much but it didn’t change the past nor did it do anything more than poke holes in my defenses.  I chewed the inner part of my cheek and placed my hands behind my head.  “This conversation is ten years too late, you have a kid when all you did was fight me on how you didn’t want children, you left me for Lazy bum a smoke and not return the favor Sue.  How in the hell are you expecting me to want to come to terms with that?”  She shrugged her shoulders and was quiet.  “You used to leave me letters on how I couldn’t eat food because I was fat when I was a little sloppy but I am willing to bet that your soon to be ex husband is a sobbingly oaf.”  She laughed “He is” “This is some real shit” I told her flat out.  She took out a pack of cigarettes and lit one.  “You smoke?”  “I picked it up along the way, want one?” 
Year’s prior I quit that nasty habit,  I took one and figured why not.  One cigarette wasn’t going to cause me to pick up a pack a day habit like before. We sat smoking cigarettes drinking wine and were quiet for several moments.  I wasn’t sure if she was expecting me to jump and rush to fill the uncomfortable silence like I always used to when we were together, because I wasn’t that same person.  “Where was this person ten years ago?”  “Locked up not allowed the freedom to be who he is or loved for who he is.”  “I was a bitch.”  “And I loved you for that.”  She was still attractive and her sleeveless dress showed her shapely arms.  She puckered her lips and squinted her eyes.  “Your not sad like you were at the café.” I said to her, “You made me angry when you left me flat” She replied.  “You did much worse to me and I was left for a very long time having to deal with those consequences and nothing to fill any of those holes with except for my own will to continue living.”  We both took sips from our wine.  She picked up the bottle and looked at the label.

“Dionysus Refined, I’ve never heard of that brand before.  I like the picture of the guy stepping on grapes with vines as a cape and a wine leaf crown.”  “Miss communication, I forgot that you own a marketing company.  One of my friends in town owns a wine and candle shop it’s called Dionysus Refined.”  “That’s catchy.”  “I talked to the owner he and his deceased wife came up with the concept of the store after greek mythology and though Dionysus was known as the fool Refined means that the fool isn’t a fool anymore he refined.  I like the maturation concept.”  After giving the explanation I shrugged and looked at her firm offering no further words.  She didn’t speak and it was quiet again. 

A moment later I said to her, “I related to my friend who had the deceased wife because that’s how I looked at you after we divorced.”  “What that I was dead?”  She asked.  “Well, to me you were and the lack of having you along with abruptly having a different life was death of everything that I loved and worked hard for.”  I looked down for a moment because I hadn’t expressed myself openly like this ever and I was talking to the woman that shattered me.  I was embarrassed to talk about what it was that was built up within me and I wasn’t convinced that it was right that I was giving.  After those words I was silent and took one of her cigarettes smoked and sipped my wine.

“I went to talk to my lawyer a couple of days ago”  She began speaking and I was silent. She lit a cigarette, “The business is going to be on the table and I’m not happy that it is but I will keep my house and Sue will have to pay child support.”  “That was our house I wouldn’t doubt that you will be able to keep it.”  With the mention of her current divorce I was silent and unsurprisingly detached from her situation.  “Why come back here to see me after all of these years and considering that you knew that I did everything that I could to save our marriage?”  She paused for a moment, I’m not sure if she ever had her own moments of thought of us or feelings but I did and the void of not having anything left me with a lot of time on my hands to mull and eventually come to terms with myself and my past.  No matter how many times I replayed my past, I always felt that while I’m not perfect I tried to be as good as I could.  I gave and gave honestly and openly and I proved to be a sucker for wanting to build a good life.  “I’ve thought about finding you several times through the years but never carried out those thoughts.  Sue proved to be quite controlling and then we had our son.”  “I wasn’t good enough to want to have kids with but Sue was?”  I said with sincere anger.  “It just happened.”  “That’s a crock!” I blurted  “I remember clearly that you always took the pill and we fought a million times because I wanted you to stop taking the pill not only for children but for your own health.”  “I was stubborn.” 
It was quiet for a moment.  “I appreciate that your here to visit and I’m sorry that your going through a divorce but I look at you and I can’t help but to be full of emotion and resentment.  I suffered while you went on with your life without a hitch.”  I stood up pushed in the chair that I was sitting in and opened up the door.  “I’m not leaving” She said.  “Well I’m going to finish lugging the logs to the pile that I created.  Feel free to drink more wine.”  I walked outside back into the woods grabbed a log and started back to drop off the log.  Close to an hour had passed and I carried all of the logs to the pile and noticed that she was still inside.  What I liked about the physical exertion was the quiet clarity.  When I first started I was angry and clouded with many thoughts brooding and most of them were fighting each other.  The heavy physical work calmed down the flow of anger until there was only work and then slowly finality and a glimpse of optimism appeared.  I walked to my front door and went inside of the house where she was cooking dinner. 

“What are you doing?”  “You said that I could stay.”  “No I told you that you could drink more wine and when did you learn to cook?” She flicked a loch of hair and held a spoon in my direction,  “I took classes because I wanted to network with group of business owners.”  I shook my head because I knew that she was resourcefully business savvy and that is something that the both of us would have done. “I went through your fridge and food cabinet.  Your neat, I trained you well.”  I slightly smiled  “What are you making?”  “Squash and shrimp ravioli with a garlic squash sauce.”  “You made the ravioli?”  “Yes and my secret for the dough is that I used a little bit of sour cream.”  I looked at her skeptically, “Thing have changed.”  I walked to my room grabbed clean clothes and took a shower.

Shortly I was cleaned shaved and changed.  She had set the table and was holding the one bottle of wine that served as a pinnacle of my cherished items.  I don’t know why I was surprised to see her holding that particular bottle.  “That’s an 80 year old bottle of wine.”  She smiled at me and winked, “I read the label.  Hermitage” She stood holding the bottle with a cork screw in the other hand.  Staring at me seriously she uncorked the top and placed the bottle on the table.  It could have been that she was testing me but I was still worked up from the heavy lifting, “I would believe that only you would have enough nerve to do that.  I won’t tell you how much it cost or how long it took for me to save to buy that bottle.” “I’m worth it” she smiled and I shook my head. 
“Why did you pick that bottle?”  “The name Hermitage suits you and I figured that you valued this above the others.”  That was classically her I thought, “It’s from the Dionysus Refined vintage wine brands and there is a story behind Hermitage wine.”  “Tell me about it.”  “Well, it’s a wine produced in France south of Lyon from the Syrah grape.  The wine was created by a French knight that returned home wounded after a battle in the Albigensian crusade in 1224.  He was given the authority by the queen of France to build a small farm to recover.  He lived as a hermit and developed his own wine.  Because of the thick tannin of the grape it takes a longer time to age.”  She started readying the plates of food after pouring the glasses of the expensive wine. 
“I never thought that you would turn out like this”  “You would be amazed at what happens when a man in solitary is left with no other option than to rot.”  She made a face, “Is that what really happened?”  “Yes!”  I quickly changed subjects because I did not want to fight.  “I’m surprised that you made dinner” I said to her.  “I didn’t expect you to avoid me and stay outside.  I noticed that you were busy working so I thought that you would appreciate a nice meal.”  She smiled at me and we sat.  We toasted our glasses.  I wasn’t ready to have dinner and I was angry that she opened up my best bottle of wine but I went along.  The meal was flavorful and not too filling.  I savored the wine and during the meal we didn’t talk very much.  I got up to clean the table and she placed a hand on my shoulder for me to remain seated.  She cleared the table and started to clean the dishes. 

“Why don’t you leave them there I’ll wash them later.”  “I’ll wash them since I made dinner in the first place.”  Without hesitation I stood on the side of her taking the dishes that she cleaned rinsed them grabbed a towel and dried them.  We never worked in unison like this when we were married.  In our motions I accidentally bumped up against her and she placed her hand on my hip to steady herself and we made eye contact.  There was something there and it was a serious moment causing me to take a step back.  “I think that I will let you finish the dishes.”  I sat at the table and lit a cigarette and swallowed a mouthful of my cherished Hermitage wine. 

It was unsettling and I thought about how gratifying it would be to have face-to-face time with her.  There were legitimate resentments and real barriers of suffering that I was put through.  I was rejected in a marriage that I worked hard to make lasting and she continued like I was an object that lost its luster.  Yet here she was after another failed marriage standing in my kitchen imposing her beautiful magnetism that I wasn’t sure that I could resist.  I wanted to know her angle and then cut the string and free myself from her line.  If she was going to be resurrected and waltz into my house then she better have a greater sense than living in the moment.  She sat at the table and lit a cigarette after cleaning the dishes. 

“Dinner was good” She said.  “I’ve never had squash ravioli the garlic brought out the flavor of the meal.”  “It’s my version of shrimp scampi.”  “You used to be a terrible cook.”  She smiled, “I’ve gotten older.”  “So have I.” I took a sip of the wine.  “How poetic that your sitting here drinking my prized wine that I held as a symbol of my status.”  She smiled waved her hand through her hair and lifted out her chest.  I squinted my eyes slightly and kept eye contact.  I wasn’t oblivious to the fact that if I were to impose my own charm we would have been in my bedroom a while before this point but that wasn’t my objective.  I wasn’t in my early twenties looking to score.  I wanted healing of what cost me and caused me unbearable suffering.  I deserved that much not because of what I put into our relationship but because my experiences and I learned that it is important to respect myself. 
“Why did you come here and stay when I went to finish my work outside and then make dinner?”  She paused for a moment, “I wanted good company.”  I didn’t want to fight with her so I went along with the conversation, “When we were married why did you start seeing Sue?”  I think that I caught her off guard because she tensed and clenched her wine glass.  “Things were different and I was different.”  I still didn’t have her angle other than the fact that I was easy to catch.  “Maybe that’s what separates you from me.” I started to tell her.  “I told you when we started to see each other that I was difficult to get along with.”  She said and started to smoke another cigarette noticeably out of her comfort zone.  I shook my head because it was bogus I decided to change subjects.

“What happened with Sue?”  “He started seeing one of the secretaries at work about a year ago and kept it hidden from me until I answered the front door and she was standing there.”  “Where was he.”  She flicked her nose up, “He was sitting at the dinner table drinking a beer eating dinner.”  “Did you expect it?”  “We were going through some tough times, our relationship wasn’t like when we were married.  You loved me and I loved you too but things were different.”  “You mean I lost my job and couldn’t find another one.”  “You could have gone back to your old one or worked a normal job.”  “It was more complicated than the surface.  Marriage is more than money and what you own.  I wanted to go back to college and either be certified for something different or get another degree.  We had the money to do it but you wouldn’t go along.”  She turned her head, “What happened after you answered the door?”  “The secretary told me that she has been seeing Sue for a year.  I flipped out screaming throwing everything that was within my reach at him.”  “Where was your son?”  “He was in his room.”  “Traumatic!”  “He’s been handling it well.” 

I didn’t want to talk about her child but I understood that kids are often traumatized by divorce.  She didn’t want to have my child but she had another man’s kid and that still left with shaking my head.  I sighed and continued to talk, “Work must have been difficult to continue.”  She put out her cigarette, “I took a leave of absence and fired the secretary.”  “How long ago was this?”  “Two weeks ago.”  “Where’s your son?”  “He’s with his grandparents.”  “The proper thing to tell you is that I’m sorry that your going through this but I have had my own world of hurt without much upside other than building what little I have for myself here.”  “She’s pregnant.”  With her last words I looked at her seriously.  “It hurts doesn’t it?”  She breathed deeply replying, “It seems that things turned full circle.”  “With the exception that you’re sitting here drinking wine sharing misery talking to the person that you rejected for a world that could offer you more things.”

I was hitting her with heavy built up angst while she was going through her own issues.  I decided to be myself and not her by taking the initiative when it was against everything that I was put through.  That was my weakness and hated the sacrificial lamb aspect that made me who I am.  I was always tough enough to take more than I dished out,  “I’m glad that you’re here” I said softly.  She smiled and lightened up her posture, “I wasn’t sure what to expect, I needed someone that wasn’t part of my world to talk to.”  

She stood up from her chair and walked to my side of the table and stood in front of me.  “I’m not the same as before” I said to her.  “Neither am I” she said and I stood and wrapped my arms around her and she cried.  I didn’t offer more than standing strong with my arms around her and running my fingers through her curly brown and blonde highlighted hair. I knew that she needed me at that time and it was what I needed for more than closure to all of the bad that tortured me after our separation.  After our embrace she looked into my eyes and leaned in for a kiss.  That is when I leaned back smiled and whispered, “Not yet.”  We both laughed!