Contemplation

Describing the reality of being pulled apart without being put back together I label as stressed.  I was disgusted with the negative results from other people’s decisions and work I decided to sit outside lighting a fire deep in the woods.  The phrase going it alone left me as an outcast of the outcasts but it didn’t matter because I felt confident with my choice.  After gathering a good amount of tinder and lighting gathered leaves I grabbed a nearby log to sit on.  When the flames flickered to life at first there were short pops and fizzes until the heat took over the existing moisture in the wood. Accompanying the growing flames was the internal presence of manliness along with the reasons for my departure from the group.  I knew my work ethic and agreed with the way I do things. On that particular day I decided that I needed to be alone to regain a sense of focus.  Years prior I had some difficulty with confidence and personal identity.  I grew up the youngest in my family and then I was the smallest in a group.  While no one else afforded me special recognition it was decided that I need to value myself above others.  I picked up the philosophy that if I didn’t work to build up myself then I would always be on the bottom rung regardless of my social or monetary position in life.

An outsiders perspective at that moment I might have seemed aloof because I verbalized my thoughts as they came to the surface.  Self-talking out loud was a concept that I had read about some time ago as a form of therapy toward conflict resolution with one’s problems.  Along with me I brought a small cage with my pet chipmunk that I had rescued after it was attacked by a black cat.  I kept her for a little over a year and in that time she was my closest friend and grew to be plump and comfortable in her own little world.  There were many nights where she was nestled in her slumber in her cage beside my computer and desk light.  She had built up a small mound of almonds storing them in empty boxes of tea.  It was still warm well into the month of October and I decided that it was time that I released her back into the wild.  Nearby chirps of other chipmunks was heard along with the scatter of leaves the back and forth movement as they ran around and up trees.  I held her cupped in my palm and said my goodbyes before releasing her to which she ran quickly into the unseen distance.  Momentary sorrow faded though I really had grown attached to my familiar.  I focused on the flames took off my shoes and socks grinding my feet into the moist soft soil.  I began to get a feel for my surroundings and rubbed my hands along my jeans before balling my hands into fists resting them on opposite knees.
Solidity was something that I needed quiet time in nature with the warmth of fire gave me that.  I realized that not necessarily running off but doing things on my own wouldn’t gain me popularity with the others. 

Particularly on this occasion after releasing my chipmunk into the wilderness I had a moment of clarity.  Strength is a word that I cherish often it is subjective being confined to physical limits.  There is no doubting that I have found that taking care of my own physical health has strengthened most other areas as well.  The old biblical lesson that “your body is your temple” was something that I never forgot.  Some of the people that I disagree with avoid any form of physical labor while others like to domineer in possessing a superior skill or bully because their bigger.  I placed a handful of leaves into the fire causing temporary smoke then added a couple of sticks.  A few minutes later I put my hand in my pocket bringing out a bag of dried sage leaves.  There was a bottle of water beside a nearby tree along with an empty can of beans from one of my previous campfires. I grow herbs sage being one of the few that I use the dried leaves to make tea with.  Soon I had a hot can of sage tea and I had sat back down on the log.  There was a couple of chipmunk’s not that far from me and I wondered if one of them was my chipmunk that I had just released.  I questioned whether I should have let her go but seeing how happy the chipmunks seemed running in the woods along with the warm weather I was comfortable with my decision.  One of the things that I have come to terms with is that I am not the most skilled of all people.

Having the strength to admit one’s own limitation I consider a virtue.  What I have the ability to do I do it well and I always worked hard and I’m always eager to learn.  There have been many people that have been successful beyond that average persons imagination that have been semi skilled at one thing or another.  Creativity is one of god’s greatest gifts to humanity I’m revolted when there is a lack of that kind of energy.  Mental strength is a term defined to me once by a surgeon.  He gave me a parallel to compare exactly what he determined to be mental strength.  For the sake of tact I wont explain the kind of person that he said lacks that acquired discipline.  The surgeon said that it isn’t something that he was born with rather that it was a discipline that through much pain and hard worked effort he acquired a level that he was comfortable with.  He attributed his own form of mental strength as a reason for his successful surgical outcomes.  Admitting that there are times during surgical procedures when there will be high pressure situations that require mental strength to maintain control and a lack of that can lead to devastating results.  I recognize that we are only human and as humans we fail working on our shortfalls allows us to become stronger as individuals. Alone in the woods with a fire lit deep in thought I cast aside my personal dislikes that I had with that surgeon trying to focus on thoughts that gave me the strength to reign in my frayed sense of self. 
 

Sitting outside alone I was grateful for this particular day.  For some reason releasing my chipmunk into the wilderness sitting by a fire deep in thought I felt like I had accomplished something.  The only other thing that I could compare this day to was when I was young and would attend church.  Often I would sit beside a girl that I flirted with sang church songs listening to a sermon that left me feeling good about myself full of faith.  The difference was that I was by myself deep in the woods sitting by a fire drinking sage tea contemplating.  They were not so closely related however being that I was talking to myself I easily related how I felt.  Holding a stick I poked around the embers bringing the flames back to life then took a look around.  There was a lesson that I remember from a more experienced co-worker.  The advice was this, “When I want to get a measure of someone I take a good look into their eyes.”  Not being a novice I agreed with the exception that long eye to eye stare downs could be read many ways and also be intrusive. Insecurity often makes a person fear eye contact.  When I was young I had that problem and when I had issues with dependency I found that I didn’t want to make eye contact with others and more importantly myself.  A person that took effort to train me well when I was young and learning a trade told me that he could always tell how a person was by the way that they worked.  Being and outsider of the outsiders had its benefits.  The pains of rejection isn’t fun sometimes the scorn of others is unbearable.  A day like this one left me reinvigorated pulling back in the reigns of the mental horses that went separate ways.  After the tinder turned to ash I took that last sip of the sage tea put the empty water bottle inside of the can dropping it on the side of the tree where I left it.  I cleaned off my feet put my socks and shoes on picked up my former chipmunk’s cage then began to walk out of the deep of the wooded area.